Tuesday, November 04, 2003

This weekend, I learned that I am too damn complicated. I look to improve my house church, my friends, my life, and my strangers - all in vain. I do this not as a natural occurrence but as an act before God, an act of pride. I am a fool. I try too hard to be too “good”. Things were discussed this weekend that brought that to light.
God has given me gifts throughout my life that have directly pointed to my relationship to Him. I have been so blinded by the struggles of life that I haven’t seen them in God’s light. The gifts are Tera, Clay, Damon, and Ella. Each one has pointed to the father persistently in their own ways. I realized that they are more God centered to me than the Bible is.
The other thing that I realized is that I love Jesus and I can relate to Him but, deep down, I am terrified of the Father. I know His past. I know that He removed towns in anger. I know that He has destroyed races and races of people who had become evil using only water. I tremble. I know that I am not holy. I know that I am not worthy to speak His name. I am scared stiff. I also know that He loves me more than anybody. I know that He wants me to realize that I am to Him as Clay, Damon, and Ella is to me. I don’t get this. My mind is too small to comprehend this but I am going to listen, watch and seek Him with that same attitude as my kids. I want my life to be like my kids: when they are playing together, their voices are quiet and content as they wait for me to come home. When I arrive and play with them at their level, their voices turn to squeals and screams of excitement.

Daddy, show me how you love me today.

posted by Tera @ 1:02 PM Comments: 0